Questions to ask your child after school (to get a real response!)
Do your school pickups go a bit like this?:
You: Hi! How was your day? (Said with anticipation)
Child: I don’t know.
You: Cool. Good chat.
And that’s it. Conversation over.
The good news is that you are most certainly not alone and this is a super common answer. The other good news is that I have some super handy questions to ask will get more from your child.
But why does it happen?
Technically, “how was school?” is an open question, and technically that is meant to elicit a bigger response. But, in this case the question often doesn’t seem to have an easy answer for your child. That’s because school in general is very demanding on the brain. There’s lots of instructions to remember, the brain is trying to absorb new information and then process that as learning, and there are multiple routines to keep track of. On top of that kids have to make hundreds of decisions throughout the day and many of those decisions hold the weight of “is this the right choice” (that can be dressed up as “green” choices all we like but kids still infer that as good or bad). Each of these processes add to the demand on the brain, and its understandably draining.
But there’s more
Now, if we add other elements to that, such as ADHD, Autism, learning challenges, any neurodiversity and/ or anxiety, we have a whole other process going on.
When a neurodiverse brain experiences a high level of demand several things can happen. Firstly, if the information coming into the brain is in a format that the brain doesn’t easily understand, therefore requiring more processing from the brain to translate it (it’s like assembling furniture when the instructions are in a foreign language).
Now let’s add on sensory challenges. If a child has challenges with sensory inputs and the school environment isn’t matching the needs of the child, then more stress is created in the brain.
If anxiety is in the picture, then it is very possible that information going into the brain is bypassing the cognitive part of the where decisions are made and information is processed and going straight to the amygdala. The amygdala then reads the information as a threat and goes straight into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn mode.
Let’s recap
So, we have:
Lots of instructions,
Multiple routines,
Decision making (with pressure to get it right),
Translating information for the brain,
Sensory overload, and/ or
Anxiety.
And we haven’t even mentioned managing peer relationships yet! When we break all of this down it’s really no wonder why kids don’t know how to express how there day was.
What can you do?
Knowing how your child’s day was is important. It helps you know what support you can offer and maintains the connection with your child. Often, it’s how and when you ask that makes a big difference.
1. Don’t ask straight away. Giving your child time to transition away from school can help their brain to process all the information from the day. Instead, start with a snack and play some music or have a play. Then, when they seem chatty again, ask away.
2. Get more specific with your questions. I like to ask two questions only- what was the highlight of your day? And then- what was the biggest challenge today? These two questions will prompt your child to sift through their day and figure out the relevant information.
3. If there is an ongoing concern or discussion, ask specifically about that. E.g., “how did you go with friends today?”
4. Ask the magic question. If the above approach doesn’t work, try this- “how would you rate your day out of 10 (if 1 is the worst ever and 10 is the best ever)?” If they don’t want to elaborate, then fine. It’s still progress! After a while they are likely to start giving you their reasons without being prompted.
Hit tip here, if a scale of 10 is too big you can just make it out of 5.
5. Be consistent! Once you find which questions get progress, ask them daily. It takes practice for all of you.
6. Make it fun and light. Yeah, I know it’s obvious. But it’s not just the kids’ days that can be long right?! If you are tired or stressed it’s hard to be fun. But, if we take a breath and give them that few minutes, it can turn out to be fun for you too. On those tired days I like to make it a pop quiz style discussion (with game show host voices of course!).
I’ve added a video here of how I do it with my kids.
A final word for you on this topic… if you consistently here about all challenges and no highlights, or that scale is often low, then it’s time to act. Contact the teacher or relevant school staff and discuss options for support.
Let us know how the magic question went in your household by reaching out on our social pages below.
